Imposter Syndrome and the Value of Community

    I've been writing poetry off and on since high school. I think I wrote a bit before then, but usually for school assignments. It wasn't until Joyce Oldroyd, my junior high and high school English teacher submitted my work to the school literary journal that I began to write for the sake of writing. I had a couple of poems and a short story published and thanks to Mrs. Oldroyd, I took creative writing my senior year. I didn't think I was very good. I kept comparing my work to professional works and I wasn't nearly good enough.

    In college, I took a class on writing science fiction and fantasy. I didn't do as well as I'd hoped. I passed, but I didn't get the best grades. So, I focused on other things. Then, a few years later, I joined the science fiction and fantasy clubs at BYU. Shortly after, I volunteered to help with the annual symposium, "Life, the Universe, & Everything" and I also volunteered to help with "The Leading Edge: Magazine of Science Fiction and Fantasy." I started writing again. I helped with editing and became the non-fiction editor. 

    I had a few poems published in "The Leading Edge" and I met Michael R. Collings. He was an English professor and Poet-in-Residence at Pepperdine University.  He came to LTUE to present academic papers. He also did poetry critiques. . For years, I'd have him look at a poem and give me advice. Later, I'd be on poetry panels with him at LTUE, World Horror, and CONduit. We'd have a lot of fun talking about poetry, why to write it, and how it could help you be a better writer. He was always kind and encouraging.

    In college I had one professional publication with a poem. I had a few other publications, and a whole lot of rejections. Then I got married, moved away, had kids, and focused on helping organize and run conventions more than writing. I had my final sale in 1993 to Shayne Bell for a story in "Washed By A Wave of Wind: Science Fiction from the Corridor." That would have been a professional sale, if I'd kept the story to 5,000 words, but I didn't, and it wasn't. But working with Shayne was great. He worked with me through several drafts of my story before accepting it.

    In 2008, I took a story to a writing workshop by Mort Castle and almost sold it. He gave me some amazing feedback. And then I lost the manuscript. That story has yet to be published, but it has gone through several revisions. 

    A few years later, nearly 20 years after publishing "Pueblo de Sion," I published "Cowchip Charlie and the Tumbleweed Gang" in "Wandering Weeds: Tales of Rabid Vegetation." I'd written that story in college, too. 

    When it was accepted, I decided that, with such a large gap between publications, I should just start fresh. So, I created a pen name and began publishing under my pseudonym.

    I joined the Horror Writer's Association and became a founding member of the Utah Chapter. My next sale was to one of their anthologies. I've published in several more since.

    In 2017, I joined the League of Utah Writers, thanks to Johnny Worthen. I had a story accepted for an anthology my chapter put together. The next year, I submitted my first entry to the League of Utah Writers annual writing contest. And won first place. I've placed every year since with at least one poem. The feedback I got on each submission, plus the support on top of having a poem be recognized encouraged me to keep working on my craft.

    I now have poetry and short stories in fourteen anthologies and several magazines. I get far more rejections than I get acceptances. And I still feel like an imposter. I'm not as good a poet as Michael Collings, Linda Addison, or Michael T. Gallowglass. My poems are not long or deep. They're often light, with a twist. I'm not that good. I can't get into the Horror Writers Poetry Showcase. I can't get another professional publication—although I'm trying to do both. I don't write every day. Sometimes I go for weeks without writing. That is NOT a good thing. But it is a thing. It depends on how stressed I am and how much is going on in my life. I'm trying to do better. I'm submitting more this year than I have before, and I have the opportunity to be in two anthologies coming out next year.

    So, how does community help with my imposter syndrome and feeling like a failure? I have a lot of people in my HWA chapter and my two LUW chapters that encourage me. They like my work. They give me good feedback. It makes me feel like I can do this, that I can succeed. Right now, I'm doing a lot better with my poetry than my short stories. I need to work on that, but poetry seems to fill me more than stories do at the moment. I still do NaNo every year. I have two novels from it that will be pretty good after several good rewrites. I have a third that really needs work, but we'll see if it goes anywhere or not. 

    The positive support I get from my communities helps on days when nothing I write works, and when I get nothing but rejections. 

    I got a personal note about one of my poems with my last two rejections from magazines. That is really good. It means they thought enough of the poem to tell me. That's encouraging. The people who give me positive feedback, or tell me they read a poem I wrote and like it, help keep me going. I'm always going to get rejections. Hopefully, in time, I'll get more professional sales that will allow me to become an active member of SFWA. That's my current goal. And maybe an active member of the HWA, although most of what I write in that genre is more dark fantasy than horror.

    I love the League of Utah Writers because they care about individuals. They want everyone to succeed and provide lots of opportunities for critique groups, for publication in their anthologies, and for entering their contests. There are so many places I can submit just through people in the League. It helps me build my body of work and it helps me do better. Plus, I have opportunities to attend conferences and hone my craft. It truly is a community that builds writers. So does the Utah Chapter of the HWA. I am so fortunate to have so many opportunities here. And so many established writers willing to teach and encourage. It gives me hope. Even when I feel like an imposter—which still happens a lot. It always will. I just keep writing. With a support network like I have here, the only way I'll fail is if I stop trying.